Our breastfeeding journey.
*I shared our breastfeeding journey in one of my previous newsletters. It’s too beautiful not to share here too! If you want to subscribe for my weekly newsletter, click here.
As I look back at old pictures and videos from our breastfeeding journey, spanning from day 1 to the present, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with emotion. From the outset, my commitment to breastfeeding was unwavering. It wasn't a mere consideration, but a determination to embrace every facet of this remarkable experience. The marvel of what our bodies can achieve intrigued me, and I yearned to be part of it all. I delved into research, watched countless YouTube videos, sought advice from loved ones, and leaned heavily on the wisdom of my doula and postpartum doula.
Our journey had a slightly rocky beginning. Given that I had a c-section, there was a delay in my milk production compared to those who had vaginal deliveries. However, even after a c-section, colostrum production begins as soon as the placenta is delivered. So after Ziggi's birth (which involved about 45 minutes from her arrival to my time in the recovery room), I had the privilege of skin-to-skin contact and initiating breastfeeding right away. It took about five patient days for my milk to fully come in, but during that time, I continued to nourish Ziggi with my colostrum every 2-3 hours.
From day one, I adhered to feeding her on demand, which translated to approximately every 3 hours. It took around a full month to discern the most comfortable positions, identify my "superboob" (the one producing the most milk), and establish a semblance of routine. The first month was undoubtedly the most challenging. Hormones ran rampant, my energy was depleted from sleep deprivation, and my body was recuperating from the c-section, all while tending to the well-being of this little life.
Around the end of our third month of exclusive breastfeeding, I attempted pumping, and it simply did not resonate with me. My mind and body reacted poorly, causing anxiety and a sense of depression. It felt mechanical and disconnected. I made the difficult decision to supplement with formula during my absences from Ziggi. Overcoming the accompanying guilt was a big hurdle, as there's societal pressure surrounding every aspect of infant feeding. However, I resolved that the well-being of our family was paramount, and this choice proved to be a positive one. While breastfeeding remained the primary source of nourishment, this approach granted me the freedom to step away occasionally, confident that she would be cared for. This continued until she reached her first year.
Our weaning journey commenced when Ziggi turned 18 months. At this point in time, we still engaged in 8-10 nursing sessions daily—some brief (like after breakfast or a spontaneous 4pm feed), and others more extended (such as waking up and drifting off to sleep). I embarked on a gentle weaning process by first eliminating nursing to sleep and night feeds. Until this point, all naps and bedtime moments were accompanied by nursing. This aspect had never posed a significant challenge, but it was the nighttime nursing that prompted a change. We had intermittently co-slept until now, and I had mixed feelings about it. I yearned to regain a proper bed with my partner, yearning to sleep on my stomach finally, and facilitate Ziggi's transition to her own bed. I shared my strategy for this shift in a TikTok video.
After acclimating to the new rhythm established through night weaning, our next step was to address daytime feeds. We still nursed around 8-10 times a day, a fact that astonishes me now. Throughout our breastfeeding journey, I had never enforced any set boundaries, always offering sustenance whenever she sought it. Around the 21-month mark, a feeling of being constantly touched out, along with moments of being overwhelmed and fatigued, settled in. A friend's advice echoed in my mind, urging me never to end something out of frustration, as regret might follow. This time, it wasn't frustration but rather a readiness to move forward that guided me. Given our lack of schedule or routine, the traditional method of gradually eliminating one feed at a time didn't seem feasible. Our feeds were scattered. Thus, I opted for a method I wouldn't recommend—I cut most feeds, cold turkey. I was eager to find a “routine” and this was the option that came to mind. I eliminated all feeds, except for two, to further find a schedule. This approach took about a month of setting boundaries, saying "no," and holding firm amidst the ensuing cries, to establish the new rhythm. While this technique worked, it took a toll on my hormonal balance. Depression, fatigue, skin issues, and hair thinning emerged as a result. Looking back, I might have opted for a more gradual transition, maybe cutting down to four feeds before reaching the final two. Live and learn. I'm currently awaiting hormonal regulation before eliminating these last two feeds, cherishing these concluding months, weeks, and days of our journey.
Today, Ziggi is 2 years and 1 month. Except for one day when I was out of town, I've breastfed her every day. As of today, I've been breastfeeding for 767 days out of her 768 days of life. Reflecting on our journey, as I draw this chapter of my breastfeeding adventure to a close, I'm struck by the profound strength that has bloomed within me. Peering into the future, I carry the intimate moments, the conquered challenges, and the unbreakable bond. Each nurturing embrace serves as a reminder of the extraordinary power that resides within women—power that shapes not only our lives but also the legacy imprinted in our children's hearts. Here's to embracing our distinctive journeys and celebrating the unwavering beauty that defines us.
With love,
Ashley Jackson